36 Bus, N Broadway and Addison, Chicago

Halloween night, 10:30 p.m.

Three dudes, all friends, get on the bus: a corporate zombie, a corporate slasher victim, and a corporate robot with futuristic helmet pushed back on top of his head.  All in business suits.

First two dudes tap their cards uneventfully on the scanner.  Corporate Robot Dude can’t make his card read in the machine.  He dips the card once, twice, then loses it in the machine.  Corporate Robot Dude pitches a little fit and the driver waves him through.  He sits down across the aisle from his friends, agitated.

Corporate Robot Dude: Did you see that?  I just put five bucks on that thing like, recently.

Corporate Zombie Dude: You got a misread.  Sometimes you get a misread.  You gotta be ready to reswipe.

Corporate Robot Dude: I couldn’t reswipe, man, it ate my card.

Corporate Zombie Dude: It kept it?

Corporate Slasher Victim Dude: What’s he saying?

Corporate Zombie Dude: He says it ate his card that had five bucks on it.

Corporate Slasher Victim Dude: That’s bullshit.  He’s lying.  We should tell the driver on him.  He looks suspicious to me.

Corporate Zombie Dude: He does.

Corporate Slasher Victim Dude: I’m pretty much suspicious of everyone on this bus right now,  but especially this guy.  What’s he supposed to be, a robot?

Corporate Robot Dude pulls his helmet down over his face.  It has a voice altering microphone that makes him sound like a futuristic robot when he talks.

Corporate Robot Dude: (robot voice) Fuck you man, I’m a robot.

Corporate Slasher Victim Dude: Hey buddy leave us alone.

Corporate Zombie Dude: Stop harrassing us.

Corporate Slasher Victim Dude: No man, you can’t borrow my cell phone.  Back off.

Pause.

Corporate Robot Dude: (robot voice) It’s a local call.

Behind them a guy in a black unitard and black stocking cap with four limp black balloons stuck to his head stands up, catches Corporate Slasher Victim Dude’s attention.

Corporate Slasher Victim Dude: (to Black Balloon-Head Guy) Sir, are you currants?

Black Balloon-Head Guy: What?

Corporate Slasher Victim Dude: Are you black currants?

Black Balloon-Head Guy: No, I’m postmodern expressionism.

Corporate Slasher Victim Dude: Word.

See?

Waverly Place and Mercer Street

Two NYU juniors.  He: skinny jeans, thin cotton hoodie (hood up), hands shoved in pockets.  She: skinny jeans, two layered T-shirts, silver ballet flats, oversized sunglasses.

NYU Girl: No this whole place is unrecognizable.  The new freshmen come in and they’re like, You used to live in Hayden, where is there to go around here? and I’m like, Honestly?  I have no idea.  This whole place is completely different.

NYU Boy: Pizza Mercato’s still here.

NYU Girl: Yeah but that’s the only thing.

NYU Boy: I know, even St. Marks.

NYU Girl: Totally!

NYU Boy: It’s like St. Marks got bought out by a major label.

NYU Girl: God, I know.

NYU Boy: I mean, I guess if you like Japanese food…

NYU Girl: Yeah but if you don’t.

NYU Boy: St. Marks went from like gutter punk to like, Asian fusion in the past two years.

NYU Girl: I know.  It’s so sad.

Lafayette and Broome; 5th and A; Trader Joe’s on 14th and 3rd

Three unrelated fragments from the past 48 hours.

1.

Behind me, unseen, guy and girl walking.

Girl: Why are you walking so far ahead?

Guy: (icy) Because I’m upset.  And yes my knee is better, thank you for asking.

2.

Fiftysomething dude, sun-leathered, in twentysomething surferwear and shades, on his cellphone, one foot on the curb and one in the gutter.

Surfer Dude: Nothing.  Chilling.  Oh that girl I lent money to ten years ago called me from Spain.  She was like, Are you still mad at me?  I was like, I’m not mad at you, I just lost all respect for you.  She was like, Cool.  So that.  Otherwise nothing.

3.

Shaved-head guy with tiny gold hoop earrings behind me in line at the Trader Joe’s.   Picks up a can of Chunky Minestrone soup.

Shaved-Head Guy: (in disbelief) Chunky Milestone Soup?

He holds the can at arm’s length to squint at it–his forearm is ribboned with long, blurry tattoos of naked ladies.  Shakes his head in resignation, replaces the can on the shelf.

Shaved-Head Guy: Chunky Milestone Soup.

6th Street and 1st Avenue

Tree downed by the thunderstorm completely blocking the intersection–cop car, police tape, small crowd of onlookers.

Tall wiry guy standing next to me, loose lime green polo, wavy cartoon-electric-shock-victim gray hair, cigarette.  Jerks his head to get my attention.

Wiry guy: “Hey.”

Me: “Hey.”

Wiry guy: “I did that.” (takes a drag on his cigarette) “With my mind.”

Tompkins Square Park, Southwest Entrance

Fourth of July, midday.

Tall skinny guy in a straw fedora and sandals crouched on the pavement by the park entrance, repeating to everyone who passes him by:

“You wasn’t born a monster, but somehow you got vexed, and you turned into one.  You wasn’t born a monster, but somehow you got vexed, and you turned into one.  You wasn’t born a monster, but somehow you got vexed, and you turned into one.  You wasn’t born a monster…”

Whole Foods, East Houston between Bowery and Chrystie

Damp-haired guy, just off work in a trench coat, button-down, and tie.  On his cell phone in the express check-out line carrying a basket full of groceries.

Guy: (serious, sotto voce) Just tell me what’s wrong.

(pause)

Are you mad at me for getting the sea bass?

(pause)

You’re not going to eat it, are you.

(pause)

I can tell that you’re not.

(pause)

What are you going to do to me, then?

(pause)

(pause)

Fine.  I’ll find out when I get home.

And he snaps his phone shut.

55th Street between 6th and 7th Avenues

Grizzled middle-aged guy in two winter jackets and a ski hat falls in step with me as I’m walking through the rain.

Guy: (low, sonorous) Hey there.  I’m trying to get a cup of soup.  Can you help me get a cup of soup?

Me: Oh I’m sorry, man, I wish I could.

Guy: And I wish I could take you to Sicily.

Me: Sicily?

Guy: If you woke up with me tomorrow morning in Sicily we could have breakfast together.

Me: Actually, that sounds pretty nice.

Guy: You know it would be.

Mercer Street between Bleecker and East 4th

Stoop-shouldered reedy guy in black skinny jeans and black hoodie; short, curvy girl in black skinny jeans and black hoodie.

Reedy Guy: (mellow drawl) I’ve developed like…this whole metaphor for it.  Do you want to hear it?

Curvy Girl: (clipped) Um, sure.

Reedy Guy: So like, the internet is like, God, right?  Like the supreme omnipotent being. And below that you have your networks, networks are like the physical ground we walk on, like…

Curvy Girl: The earth?

Reedy Guy: Right, like the physical ground of the earth.  Then you have your hackers,  who are prophets and demigods.  Or no, programmers are demigods and hackers are prophets.  And then below them you have your priests, two kinds of priests, one kind is like…celebrities, who control like the aesthetic environment of the internet, and one kind is like…um…you know those people who like, make things happen?  Who like move huge waves of people from one place to another on the internet?  Like when the Friendster collapsed these people moved everyone over to MySpace and Facebook?  Those people are like priests, and celebrities.  And then below that you have your average users.  So in this world social networking sites are like the temples, because you go there to like worship um…the reflection the priests show you of the omnipotent being.  Which is the internet.  Are you like…getting this?

Curvy Girl: I’m trying to follow it.

Reedy Guy: It doesn’t necessarily have…meaning.

Curvy Girl: Have you told this to Sean?

Reedy Guy: Dude, you know I can’t tell this to Sean.  I do not talk about this kind of thing with Sean.  It would fuck with him uncontrollably.

All Over New York City…

NYC TEEN AUTHOR FESTIVAL SCHEDULE

Juvenalia Smackdown
Monday, 3/16, 4-6pm, Tompkins Square Park branch of the NYPL, 331 E. 10th Street
Join Holly Black, Alaya Johnson, Justine Larbalestier, David Levithan, Diana Peterfruend, Scott Westerfeld as they read some of their (ahem) less accomplished work from their middle school and high school years.  Hosted by Libba Bray.

I Have Seen the Future…and It Sounds Like This
Wednesday, 3/18, Mulberry Street Branch of the NYPL (address)
Teen authors are notoriously stingy about reading from their works-in-progress.  But for Guest of Honor Joe Monti, authors Libba Bray, Rachel Cohn, Eireann Corrigan, Justine Larbalestier, and Scott Westerfeld are willing to share a little bit from their future books.  Hosted by David Levithan.

The Five-Borough Read
Thursday, 3/19

BROOKLYN:  Central Library, Dweck Center, 10 Grand Army Plaza, Brooklyn
10-11am
Gayle Forman
Jenny Han
Leslie Margolis
Abby Sher
Matthue Roth
Robin Wasserman

BRONX:  Bronx Library Center, 310 E. Kingsbridge Road, Bronx
4-5pm
Coe Booth
Madeleine George
Paul Griffin
Brian Sloan
Melissa Walker

MANHATTAN: Countee Cullen Branch, 104 W 136th St
4-5pm
Matt de la Pena
Daphne Grab
Mary Hogan
Barry Lyga
Carolyn McCormick

MANHATTAN:  Jefferson Market Branch, 425 Avenue of the Americas
4-5pm
David Levithan
Bennett Madison
Laura McLaughlin
Billy Merrell
Marie Rutkoski

MANHATTAN: Webster Branch, 1465 York Avenue
4-5pm
Lisa Ann Sandell
Courtney Sheinmel
Rachel Vail
Cecily Von Ziegesar
Martin Wilson

QUEENS:  Far Rockaway Branch, 2002 Cornaga Ave, Queens
4-5pm
Tara Altabrando
Laura Dower
Heather Duffy-Stone
Aimee Friedman
Eliot Schrefer
Siobhan Vivian
Rita Williams-Garcia

STATEN ISLAND: St. George Library Center, 5 Central Avenue
4-5pm
Kate Brian
Judy Goldschmidt
Michael Northrop
Micol Ostow
Lynn Weingarten

Rock Out with TIGER BEAT!
Thursday, 3/19, 6pm at Books of Wonder
By day, Libba Bray, Daniel Ehrenhaft, Barney Miller, and Natalie Standiford are upstanding authors.  But by night, they turn into … TIGER BEAT, the first ever YA author rock band.  Tonight is their debut public performance … and it’s sure to go down in legend.  With opening act The Infinite Playlists (Rachel Cohn and David Levithan reading a litany of musical references, but mercifully not singing).

I Love You, New York:  Teen Lit in the City
Friday, 3/20, 6pm, NYPL, 42nd Street, Court Room
Join authors Coe Booth, Paul Griffin, Maureen Johnson, David Levithan, Cecily von Ziegesar, and Rita Williams-Garcia in a spirited reading and discussion about teen novels set in New York City – from the glamour of the gossip girls to the grit of the Bronx projects, from the everyday battles of the high school halls to the extraordinary events of 9/11.

Stuff for the Teen Age Ceremony
Saturday, 3/21, 1pm, NYPL, 42nd Street, Celeste Bartos Forum
This new list only has the best of the best, and includes books, music, movies, and video games.  Featuring a keynote by Walter Dean Myers

Teen Authors Celebrate Teen Readers
Sunday, 3/22, NYPL, 42nd Street, Trustees Room, 1pm
Over a dozen authors salute teen readers and teen advisory board members from around the city, including Blake Nelson, reading from his upcoming novel Destroy All Cars.

The Biggest Teen Author Signing EVER
Sunday, 3/22, Books of Wonder, 4pm
Join over 40 authors for a signing extravaganza as they take over Books of Wonder, sign books, and converse with fans new and old.  An incredible event that is sure to go down in book-signing history.
Authors include:
Nora Baskin
Jessica Blank
Judy Blundell
Coe Booth
Elise Broach
Susanne Colasanti
Sarah Darer-Littman
Matt de la Pena
Heather Duffy-Stone
Gayle Forman
Aimee Friedman
Madeleine George
Maureen Johnson
Kristen Kemp
Justine Larbalestier
David Levithan
E. Lockhart
Barry Lyga
Carolyn Mackler
Sarah MacLean
Megan McCafferty
Laura McLaughlin
Neesha Meminger
Billy Merrell
Blake Nelson
Micol Ostow
Matthue Roth
Marie Rutkoski
Lisa Ann Sandell
Courtney Sheinmel
Abby Sher
Brian Sloan
Rachel Vail
David Van Etten
Ned Vizzini
Adrienne Maria Vrettos
Cecily von Ziegesar
Melissa Walker
Robin Wasserman
Scott Westerfeld
Suzanne Weyn
Maryrose Wood
Lizabeth Zindel

Gate 4, Terminal 7, JFK

5:15 a.m., Christmas Eve.  Two twentysomething white girls in ponytails, pea coats, and Uggs clutching Starbucks.  Girl 1’s final destination: Phoenix; girl 2’s final destination: Boulder.

Girl 1: The last time I was here I was like going to L.A. and there was this guy in front of me in the line with like all these bags, all these like gold Louis Vuitton bags, like the soft luggage?

Girl 2: A guy with gold bags?

Girl 1: (confidentially) Like, a black guy?

Girl 2: Oh.

Girl 1: And the lady at security was starting all this shit with him, she said to him, “You need to smile more, why don’t you smile more?” And this guy from security came over and like leaned in and said something to her, we were all like what’s he saying, someone was like, “He’s saying it’s a famous rapper”–it was Kanye West.

Girl 2: No way.

Girl 1: Like, you do not tell Kanye to smile more.

Girl 2: Um, no.

Girl 1: I mean the lady said it to him like three times, “You should smile more, you need to smile more.”  Even if you’re not a rapper it’s like, get out of my biz.

Girl 2: Seriously.

Girl 1: Then we went through the line and I felt like I had to say something, I was like, this is my chance to say something to Kanye, while we were putting our shoes back on I said, “This is the fun part, putting your clothes back on.”  He was like, “Ha ha, yeah.”

Girl 2: Oh that’s the worst.  Well nothing’s worse than when we were in Hawaii and we hit Rosie O’Donnell with our umbrella.

Girl 1: On purpose?

Girl 2: No the trade winds like picked it up and smacked her with it.  My dad didn’t know who she was, he was like, “I hope you have good insurance.”

Girl 1: As much as that lady starts shit with people and mouths off she better have good insurance.

Girl 2: I guess I don’t mind if people have strong opinions, but people have to know when to shut up.

Girl 1: And she never does.

Girl 2: Yeah.  I guess it takes all kinds to make the world go round.